


my pretty weeper

by Ink_Skies



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, Drug Use, F/F, Fluff, Galaxy Gals, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tree Bros, and connor gets help eventually, and ever, eventually they all become friends, i have an oc for jared that i love with all my heart, things take a while to pick up, uh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-08 07:58:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13453854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ink_Skies/pseuds/Ink_Skies
Summary: Your twisted thoughts are like snow on the rooftopsPlease, take my hand, we're in foreign landAs we travel through snow, together we goEvan writes letters describing his life trying to befriend Connor after his suicide goes wrong.





	1. Chapter 1

September 7, 2017

Dear Connor Murphy,

You are a person who is going through a thing that I can very much relate to.  If I’m honest, I’m not even sure why I’m making this kind of thing. I mean, for one, letters are already something I dread writing for therapy reasons Although you could go the other way and say because I write two letters a day, it’s become an easy way to write out stuff I’m thinking and feeling. Besides, I highly doubt you or anyone will ever see this letter so I’m safe. I can say whatever I want to in here, this is just a way to splurge my thoughts. Like a friend, even if you have no idea about this.

From what I can tell, you tried to kill yourself but it wasn’t successful. Okay, that’s a stupid and obvious observation. Jared told me earlier in great detail how you died and they found you in a park and it was really graphic and all and it kind of sent me into a panic attack so I freaked out in the bathroom and I’ll probably never understand why he decided to give me details about your suicide but whatever, it’s after school and he’s outside in the pick up area to walk home and I’m inside the computer room with the therapy letter right next to me, already printed and nice for whatever reason and music is blasting from my phone because it helps me write and think. He said these things like we were in a horror movie or something and suicide was something beautiful or whatever but literally the only person who looked nice when they were dying was that one woman who jumped from the Empire State Building and she looked like she was sleeping. You didn’t need to know that.

You’re probably in the hospital right now, either asleep or wide awake and regretting not being able to go through with it, probably. Been there, done that, except it was more like a broken arm instead of a stomach pump? And you’re as posted all over school and mine was just an excuse and a quick lie that Jared didn’t bother looking into. For some reason, I feel really guilty about that, about participating in that. I didn’t have anyone to talk to but just knowing that little bit and that people were talking about you made me feel gross inside. I have no idea why but I guess that feeling is what started all this.

I kinda wanna visit you and help you through these trying times?  But I also don’t want it to be taken as a pity talk and have you get mad at me for trying to be concerned; it’d be weird to see a kid you pushed and snapped at in your hospital room, you might think I’m there to make fun of you and have security drag me out before I could even say hi. Plus my mom might be there when I have time to visit and I really don’t want her asking questions and assuming things and being more worried, even for a split second. Maybe I could slip a note into your locker but would that be taken as like, you have a stalker?  Is there any way to do this without being seen as a freak by you or other people? I don’t know and you can’t really give me an answer. Oh, hold on, Jared’s calling.  
  
\--

Okay hey, he wanted me to go downstairs already and hurry home because he had to do this or that, I wasn’t really listening. I’m home now and I actually have what I wanted. I hope this sounds good but here's a draft:

Dear Connor ~~Murphy,~~

 ~~~~~~I get that it may be a bit strange to receive a letter from someone you don't know but please don't throw this away! I mean, you can if you want to but I just want to say a few words.~~  
  
~~You aren't alone. I don't mean in the universal sense or like an assassination sense but in the feeling sense. That you aren't alone in wanting, needing, wanting, feeling like the world is against you. I know it's stupid to tell you but I, too, failed over the summer. I have a reminder of my failure each and every time I wake up and I hope it's as comforting to you as it is to me to have someone so close to home feel the same way.~~  
  
~~I also understand that this is really creepy and I realize this is _really_ fucking freaky but I promise I'm not some weird stalker. I understand if you feel a little bit unnerved by a complete fucking stranger telling you only one thing and it was about their failed suicide attempt but I promise you ,and you may not have even thought of it but I'm a fucking idiot and will now put this idea into your fucking head, that this isn't some prank or joke or anything, but if it makes you feel better, you can throw this letter away. But I just want you to know that you're not alone. This is really fucking weird and rushed but whatever, it feels nice to not feel alone. You might not even fucking read this and that means all of this had been for nothing but here I am, being stupid and writing one anyways because God knows I like to screw myself over and I'm not even gonna put my name on the bottom because I wanna look like even more of a fucking weirdo so screw it, have my therapy ending because you're not gonna read this anyways.~~  
  
I hope you're having a good day! I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this and I understand what you're going through; just accept that someone out there cares about you.  
  
~~~~~~This isn't a joke. Please don't take it as one.~~  
  
Sincerely, me :)

  
Do you think that's too short? I feel like I might have been just a little long with it only to have cut out most of what the letter was originally gonna be about. I just. I can fucking see exactly where he might take it wrongly and I don't want him to think that someone's, like, pranking him or doing something really shitty to him. I just want seriously want him to feel okay, ya know?

Okay, yeah, I’m probably only going to go with that last part since the rest is really creepy and gross. Sucks I made this with pen so I can’t erase but whatever. Since it’s a little scrap of paper, I can just rip it out of the top of the next page. I hope you’ll even look at it and find it, let alone open your locker. Maybe I should tape it on the outside? But then someone might grab it and steal it and then you’ll never read it and I won’t be none the wiser..

This wasn’t very thought through, was it? Goddammit.

I don’t think I even know what locker you have.

Fuck.

\--

Okay it’s night and you know what? You sit in front of me in math class so I’ll just leave it on your desk and maybe you won’t throw it away? Or I could leave it on your backpack? Okay, maybe I’ll just fold it in half and out “to Connor” on top of it in order to make sure you won’t throw it away.

Okay, goodnight Connor. I hope you sleep well tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I worked for a few hours on this so it might not be the best but I hope you guys liked it.
> 
> First fic and it's gonna be tree bros. Damn, never thought I'd actually publish something one of these days, but here I am!
> 
> I don't really have a schedule and all I'm doing with my life right now is trying to get my GED but I'm also lazy so updates might be sporadic. I hope not though.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter ! I look forward to the next one.


	2. Chapter 2

September 15, 2017

Dear Connor Murphy,

It's like 1:45 in the morning but I can't sleep which, fun, and I'm actually not completely depressed while typing this?? Not happy but. Not depressed. Which, okay, good. Progress! Not really, it just shows my feelings aren’t consistent and they suck but a guy can dream, hope things got better overnight.

Sorry for writing letters to you of all people. That sounds bad. I mean like, to bother you with this bullshit. Although it's not bullshit, feelings aren't bullshit, even though they're mine, I can't be a hypocrite and exclude them just because they're— ya know, mine. And it’s not you’re reading these but just. Jesus, this is already a wreck. Um. I honestly have no fucking clue why I'm even writing this, just. you must feel popular.

It took a week before I got the gossip that you’re still in the hospital just in case you try to kill yourself again. I feel kind of weird putting the paper on your desk when I get to class only to take it back before anyone can see, or care to ask me about it. The only reason we know is because Zoe’s back and she’s more quiet than usual.

Since then I’ve wanted to revise that stupid letter about forty times. It feels too weird and too gross and it’s probably my anxiety but when haven’t I listen to that. The paper also’s gotten a few stains on it from just general taking it out and stuff so I’m probably going to have to rewrite it.

Uhm, the therapy is going well! I didn’t exactly wanna tell him that, ya know, I write letters to a kid in the hospital who tried to commit suicide and although that sounds nice on the outside, knowing me, I would have babbled and gone on to say the only reason I do this is because I also tried to kill myself and like, I’m pretty sure that mom finds out about what I say in the sessions so that would have been really bad.

Uh, moving on.

I don’t know how long you’re gonna be in the hospital for and I really don’t want to keep the letter with me for months on end, you know? Maybe I’ll visit you in the hospital? But then I’d have to ask about it and both Zoe and Jared would look at me weird and ask questions and I don't need that at all. It’s a plan in progress, maybe you won’t ever have to know that I even wrote a letter!

I feel like that’d be best. Anyways, good night. Or good morning, whatevever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My week's been busy and the next few days and weeks will also be busy, as I am helping with a wedding and helping to babysit my two brothers while my mom interviews for a permanent job.
> 
> But yeah, this chapter is shorter because the next one is gonna be longer and it was late for Evan, he ain't gonna write much.
> 
> Still, thanks for reading! <3


End file.
